My eyes catch the bathroom mirror
I stop to see the face staring back
Through strands of mousy brown hair
I linger a little longer holding my own stare
My face looks so pale
My hair lifeless and limp
Dark rings and bags circle my eyes
Deep inside my fragile heart cries
But my eyes I can’t muster real tears
I’m drained and have nothing to say
I do have one wish though….
To unzip this skin and walk away
How the did I get here?
Do I really need to ask that?
The reasons and clues surround me
But on those I turned my back
Years of wading through an emotional river of mud
Has bogged my feet down yet forward ahead they steer
I keep on going though I’m tired and cold
I push through this water of congealed stagnant tears
A fitting metaphor
For all the baggage stored inside
How can I look myself in the eyes
With this back catalogue of tears I’ve never cried?
Undressing to take a shower
I lower my gaze to my body
That’s got me through 29 years
Of never ending emotional robbery
Can’t help but think I look transparent
My essence has seeped away
The fire once inside me
Died out somewhere along the way
Retracing the road that’s got me here
My heart begins to sink
And still those tears don’t come forward
No matter how hard I force or blink
Shower curtains pulled shut
I stand head hung under the spray
Wishing that the pounding water
Could simply wash the previous years away
But that doesn’t happen
No amount of shampoo or soap can clean
What lies beneath my skin
The dirt and hurt that goes unseen
When these internal emotional storms rise daily
It can feel hard to keep afloat
As the rain water harshly hits me
So around me I wrap a defensive protective coat
It protects me but doesn’t keep me warm
It blocks out the intermittent sun rays
It adds to the weight of the river
That I’ve trudged through for so many days
The years of hurt and guilt I’m consumed by
Should have never been mine to bear
And the feelings I feel are real and justified
Born through years of lack of care
The anger I at one point functioned on
Has slowly faded to gray
It was a misplaced and destructive emotion
That navigated too many years guiding their way
All emotions and feelings ceased years ago
And I’m now empty with nothing to give
All I’m left with is a lack of trust
And a broken body I can do nothing with
And now I’m left in the middle of the ocean
In the darkness of a storm
Thunder and lightening crashes around me
In the distance I can hear a fog horn
My tired body is thrown about violently
To a buoy I grip on tightly
Slippery hands struggling to hold on
I don’t know how much longer I can carry on
I leave the bathroom and mirror behind
I’m lonely and hurting and full of so much doubt
Can someone put their arms around me please
As I can see only one way out..
Again my eyes start to brim
But I just cant get these tears to fall
And I cant help but sit here and wonder
If there’s a point to my existence at all…
