I do fight myself daily though
My own internal Jekyll and Hyde
One is carefree and easy
The other brings destruction like a bumper car ride
Don’t forget my inner child
Left abandoned and used
And confused in her confusion
With no options from which too choose
She was left behind
And ignored by me
Silently wishing and hoping for a day
Where I would see and she could be free
I’m ashamed of how others
Have treated me, her as well
Are we both truly worthless?
Do we deserve to live in different degrees of hell?
And maybe I feel I’m worthless
But she deserves much more
I wont let her be shut away alone anymore
I’ll try and open her door
I don’t think I deserve her though
This precious, torn child
She deserves someone better then me
To help her and release her spirit into the wild
She’s really tired
And has nothing left to use
She looks limp and listless
It wasn’t fair the decisions she had to choose
She’s left in my care
And I don’t know what to do
Cos I don’t know where to start with my own stuff
How can I help her get through?
But I swallow more down
And tightly grit my teeth
At the mad world I’m a part of
Filled with never ending grief
Am I the only one with a sense of reality
Am I the only one who can see
Am I the only one on this earth
That finds it hard to be me?
Should I can carry on bending over backwards
Until my spinal cord snaps?
And carry on compromising
Until what little peace of mind I have cracks?
Must I apologise for feeling miserable
Oh I forgot, I’m not allowed to be
I have to have a fake smile and be happy
In this scrambled up world of me
Sometimes I wish I could walk away from it all
And find a better day
Leave my life and bullshit behind
And find a better way
Everyday more nonsense
Is sent my way
Maybe I should re-address it “return to sender”
To help resume peace in my day...
Tired in body
And in mind too
Emotions never ending
That I’m fed up sifting through
My broken body
A scar of despair
The result of so many situations
That all left a cross to bear
Am I a good person?
Cos I really don’t know
I show myself no respect
And ignore my under nourished soul
Giving myself so willingly to others
With no thought and no demand
But sometimes it would be nice
If others took a minute to help me stand
But there lies another problem
Letting people close
Cos when I feel brave enough to do so
It can end up feeling like a bad joke
Do I trust or don’t I?
I’m starting not to care much more
Because I don’t fit into the rule book
So maybe I should stay behind this pad locked door
Why cant I feel able enough
To ask for help or even confide
Without feeling like
A thorn in another’s side?
I tried to trust
To let one close to me in
But my words and care have been twisted
And left me used and discarded within
So disappointed
But relieved that I didn’t share more
My emotions and life
Tossed aside and what for?
I’m starting to wonder
If I mean anything at all to anyone
Was I placed on this earth
As an amusement for others fun?
Or maybe I’m invisible
Or just not easy to see
I don’t make much fuss
Maybe that’s why I’m overseen
My hands cut so easily
Every time I try to reach out
Cautiousness always near
Never truly listening to the wisdom in my doubt
So continue to put me down and pick me up
As and when you please
Then walk away without a second glance
While my heart breaks and bleeds
I’m so gullible
I believe it all
Taking face value
That another can do no wrong
I feel really confused
Between what’s right and what’s wrong
Trying so hard to grasp on to any kind of peace of mind
Cos beneath it all…. I’m not strong
My emotions feel one sided
Am I really that easy to cast aside?
Cos good old Deb will take it
She wont make a fuss or try and fight
